Hitting the Snooze Button on Lent?
Two years ago I missed Lent. Like my 8 yr old baseball playing self I watched Lent go by like three fast balls right down the middle. I struck out looking.
Ash Wednesday comes and goes. Nothin.
First and second weeks of Lent. Nada.
Third, fourth, and fifth weeks of Lent. Zilch.
Palm Sunday. Heart still frozen. I missed it.
What I mean by ‘missed Lent’ is that over the course of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter I didn’t make an inward turn towards God. Sure, on the outside, I might’ve deleted Facebook and Twitter on my phone, and tried to limit my time online each day, but for those forty days nothing on the inside was different. Nothing changed about my attitude or disposition towards God.
I wish I had a good excuse. I even have a non-Catholic friend who calls to wish me “Happy Ash Wednesday!” I just didn’t stop long enough to make a plan. Life was moving pretty fast (which isn’t novel these days for anybody) and nothing, not even the cultural inertia of Lent that surrounds me, the Catholic missionary, could slow me down or wake me up. I was on spiritual cruise control.
So there I was on Easter Sunday eating Peeps, thinking back on the fact that I just watched Lent pass me by and the thought hit me: “I missed Lent, but I am not going to miss Easter.”
So right then and there I resolved to make a change.
For every day of the Easter Season (50 days) I would go to daily mass followed by 30 minutes of prayer, what Bishop Fulton Sheen calls the “layman’s holy hour.” These were game-changing days for me. As I look back on my journal from that time it is incredible to see the difference between the number and quality of entries (if you will) during those 50 days and the scant few entries I made during Lent that same year.
Whether you decide to make a turn towards God well before Ash Wednesday or you miss Lent altogether like me, making the turn is what matters. ”Rend your heart, not your garments” says the prophet Joel. And even though I ‘missed Lent’, I didn’t end up really missing it, I was just 40 days late.
Have you been snoozing on Lent? If so, what can you do about it? It’s never too late to make a turn.
Your Calendar Doesn't Lie. All of Your Actual Priorities are Right There.
Do you want to know what is most important in your life? Look at your schedule. What makes the cut? As much as anything else our calendar reflects what is most important to us. It is where we declare to the world (and to ourselves) what is worthy of our limited attention and what is not. It is the place where actual priorities shine through and less important things fade away. The calendar doesn’t lie, it always tells the truth. It doesn’t reflect intentions, hopes, desires or how we ‘wish things to be.’ It tells the real story of what wins the day and what loses.
For a long time I thought I could keep every competing priority in life in balance. I just needed to become a better time manager, as though I could ‘manage’ my way out of the mess I had found myself in. Cancer doesn’t need to be managed, it needs to be killed to be cured. My calendar wasn’t something to be managed, it was something that needed to be conquered and then ruled one careful “yes” or courageous “no” at a time. Time management needed to give way to making choices. Not obvious choices between good and bad, but tough ones between better and best. Recently Seth Godin summarized it well when he said “You don’t need more time you just need to decide.”
I don’t know anyone who is never busy, stress free and always on top of all of their commitments, but I do know people who carefully and courageously attend to what is most important. They don’t try to do everything, just the right things, one day at a time. I want to be more like that. I want to look back on each day and say what I chose to do reflected what I tell others (and myself) is most important. If the following things are priority (relationship w God, my wife, kids, friendships, rest/leisure), my calendar should reflect this. If it doesn’t then these things aren’t as important as I say that they are, something else is.
I first realized that I had calendar issues when I read Stephen Covey’s approach to task management, which he details in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He breaks up each of our tasks along two axes - importance and urgency. (A helpful summary of Covey’s approach is contained here.)
I was someone who lived quite contentedly in quadrant one, attending to what is both important *and* urgent. Isn’t that what most people do? I didn’t know there was another way. And here’s where Covey comes in. He would suggest we train ourselves to make room for items that are important, but not urgent (quadrant two). The activities, relationships, commitments that fit into this category will never beat your door down for attention, but if ignored could have an unraveling effect on our lives long-term (ie..relationship w my wife, kids, professional development, eating healthy, regular exercise).
Does this sound like you? Do you need to do a better job of carving out time for what matters most? If so here’s a 10 minute exercise that will help you do just that.
- Write down the five most important priorities in your life?
- Look over your calendar from the last week. Were these priorities appropriately reflected in your schedule? (They may not have been ‘in the calendar’ as an appointment, but did they happen?)
- Look at next week’s schedule and do two things: add one important but often neglected activity (say yes) and subtract one activity that is creating unhelpful drag (say no).
Why I Very Rarely Say "I'm Sorry."
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have hurt many people who are very close to me. I have made choices, often, to put my needs before the needs of others. And I am not just talking about twenty years ago before I started following Jesus. I am talking about just in the last week.
These choices of mine happen in my role as father to four sons or as a husband to my wife or co-worker to colleagues. Everyday these relationships are ripe with opportunities to choose self over something better. I do it all the time. And it’s not always big stuff, but more likely little things.
- Grumpy me giving a cold shoulder to my wife
- A harsh response to one of my sons
- Being 15 minutes late to the same meeting at work, again.
Each of these things were actions that I chose. And in each of them I am not going to say that I’m sorry. Rather I will ask “will you forgive me?”
Some people use these two phrases interchangeably. Not so here. A few years back it was suggested to me that it helps to make a distinction between saying “I’m sorry” and asking forgiveness. The distinction being that you say that you say you are sorry when the situation is out of your control and ask forgiveness when the fault is your own. The example I always give is being late for a meeting:
+ “I’m sorry” example. I leave plenty early to arrive to the meeting on time, but encounter an accident on the road and am detoured. Something out of my control caused me to be late. In this situation, I arrive to the meeting and say “I’m sorry for being late, I hit a detour.”
+ “Please forgive me” example. I know exactly how long it takes to get to the next meeting and deliberately choose not to leave on time. Perhaps I am getting just one more thing done (or three) or staying in the shower too long or not planning ahead well. Whatever the case may be - each of these reasons stem from choices I have made. In this situation I arrive late to the meeting and say “Please forgive me for being late, I didn’t manage my time well.”
And here’s where it gets awkward. Most people don’t know what to do with the “please forgive me” bomb. What I am hoping they will say back is “I forgive you.” What often happens is they respond as though I said “I’m sorry.” So, naturally they say “it’s ok” (but it’s really not) or “no problem” (but it really is). When I say “please forgive me” I am admitting fault and when they say back “I forgive you” they are saying “yep, you screwed up but I am not going to hold that against you.” Trust increases and a relationship is strengthened.
I think this is what can happen every time we don’t settle for the standard “I’m sorry”, especially when it is clearly our choices that caused hurt or pain for someone else. While a dictionary wouldn’t necessarily make this distinction I’ve seen the wisdom of taking one more minute to consider - should I do more than simply say “I’m sorry.”
Most of the things I need to apologize for begin with decisions that I have made, therefore I ask forgiveness much more often than I say “I’m sorry.” And this is why I very rarely say it.
+++++++++++++++
(UPDATE) A number of people have rightly commented that there is in fact great value in saying to someone else “I’m sorry.” I agree. It gives words to the remorse that someone should feel (and express) when apologizing. My concern is that it not stop there.
In the interest of being brief / provocative / clever I probably overstated my case, as though there is something wrong with the phrase “I’m sorry.” There isn’t anything wrong with it, except that when left on it’s own it is often incomplete. In fact, just a few days ago I apologized to a friend of mine and said “I’m sorry for what I did. It was wrong. Please forgive me.” This allowed me to genuinely express the sadness I had for my actions, identify them as wrong, and ask for his forgiveness. This is the approach that I want to take, not simply not saying that I’m sorry.
In fact with my sons my wife and I are constantly explaining what it truly means to say that you are sorry. We remind them that it is an expression of the sadness at hurting another joined by the resolve not to do it again while acknowledging the ‘wrongness’ of the decision. And of course we encourage them to finish it off by asking for forgiveness. :)
Best Communication Advice I've Received
Every couple of months Jill and I have the chance to speak to about 100 couples who are preparing for marriage in the Catholic Church. Different speakers come in to talk about pertinent issues for engaged couples - handling finances, sex, kids, etc.. We get to talk about “communication.”
I’m not sure how we landed that topic, but I’m glad that we did. It’s a golden opportunity to pass along the best bit of relationship advice that we’ve ever received: seek to understand before you seek to be understood.
Across fifteen years of marriage this one piece of advice has prevented hundreds of relational meltdowns and along the way given us thousands of tangible opportunities to love (the verb, not the feeling) each other.
I would say a marriage is only as strong as it’s communication and I think strong communication between any two people, (especially married couples), is simply one person sharing and the other person listening. And by listening I mean a concerted effort to understand what the other person is saying. Not just “not talking”, not just “not preparing a thoughtful response”, but focusing on the person’s words (and body language) in order to understand what they are trying to communicate.
So, as a result more of your sentences (especially when talking with your husband or wife) should begin with:
- "If I’m understanding you right you are saying…" or "if I am hearing you correctly you are saying…".
- And then once you repeat back to the person what you understand them to be saying, your second move shouldn’t necessarily be your response, but more questions to aid your understanding.
Again this serves the goal: to seek understanding before seeking to be understood. Most of the time we take the opposite approach (seeking to be understood) and if two people are doing that at the same time, neither one gets their wish and both, if in an argument, are left more frustrated afterward than before.
While not fool-proof this approach will diffuse many arguments before they begin and if regularly applied could save a relationship years of frustration or resentment or even better, rescue it from it’s ultimate demise.
Question: What’s the best piece of “communication” advice you have received?